I feel so completely lost. B. is away visiting friends in another state. He is coming back tonight though. I don't know if I was relieved when he left or sad. Now that he comes back tonight I am not sure if I am happy or not. I know I am looking forward to him coming back though. Kind of.
This is driving me crazy. I can't wait for him to come back because I've missed him, but I don't want him to come back because sometimes, well most times, it just hurts to be around him. On the phone he said that he feels like I don't love him and I'm just forcing myself to be here out of comfort and familiarity. I was silent, he hit a nail right on the head (a nail, but not all the nails).
Since he cheated on me, I just can't look at him the same way. It just isn't the same. "I love you" isn't the same. I used to get a warm feeling when I thought about our relationship, like the first time he said I love you to me, and now I think of it, and I flutter, and then I think, "oh wait, did he really mean it? If he did, then why did he cheat on me? Maybe he never loved me". And then I just can't feel good about those moments anymore. They're tainted, they're not sincere like I thought they were, they don't seem real anymore. I am just not happy anymore.
I told him that. I told him that I am not happy today. I'm really not, I just thought this was a phase, something that happens after infidelity. I thought it would go away when we got over this, except now I just feel dead. I feel like I'm losing myself, I feel horrible.
B. moved back to his parents' place. This is a big deal to me. When he lived in the apartment, I became attached to it, it became my second home, my safe haven, until I caught him sleeping with my friend there. But even after that, it was OUR place, it was somewhere I would go to and I could stay there for 4 nights. I could stay there and when he came back from work in the morning, I'd be the one to wake up to him. It was my place too (in a way).
You see, about a year ago he dropped this huge bomb on me. His parents wanted him to buy them a house, and he said he would buy them a house. Maybe it's just me, I'm not traditional that way. All Chinese parents talk about their kids buying a house for them. I think this is the most selfish act a parent can partake on their children. I understand that parents want to be happy, but asking to buy a house for them is a HUGE thing. It's not like buying a sofa or a TV, a house costs quite a pretty penny. Especially buying a house in a place like New York City. The way I see it, because someone wants to be happy, they ask someone else to give up some of their hard earned money and happiness and hope of having their own home just so the person asking can have their happiness. It would be different if B. were loaded, but he's not. He makes an average income, and last year when the whole buying-the-house thing came up, he didn't even finish paying off his college loans yet.
It's tricky though. B.'s mom isn't in the greatest health, so he wants to spend more time with her and he feels that he cost them this house. He feels that he made them give up their dreams of buying a house. And I ask how. And he says because they had him as a son.
I think B. is a great son. He treats his family like royalty. I don't even want to go into how he spoils his family (it would just make you sick to hear). Not only does he spoil them materialistically, he is like their goddamn hand servant. He does everything for them. And I mean EVERYTHING. He pays their bills, he handles their technical problems, he does them favors, he does their FRIENDS favors, he buys them amazing things (great sound system for their TV, great computers, cable, foot massager, miscellaneous gadgets) all the time.
So considering all this, I am just befuddled. He said that his parents gave up buying a house because they had him as a son. Someone hit me across the head, do people not CHOOSE to have children? It's not like he made them pay for his tuition or anything. They fed him, clothed him, raised him, but do not all parents do that? I understand parenting is all about sacrifice, but what I HATE most about Chinese parents is that they see their children as INVESTMENTS. And it absolutely makes me sick with disgust. I hate that, I absolutely hate it! You have no idea just how much I hate it!
And it makes me so angry the way his family mistreats him! Oh yes, they do mistreat him. I don't mean they beat him or anything, they use him. B. doesn't see this though, he just says that his family is helpless. And that is the sickening part, they are. They do not choose to make themselves able to do things. They have not taken the effort to learn English, which is the first step. To my understanding, his family has been living here for 21 years. I think that gives them time to learn English! But they don't, they still don't know English. They have tried, but they have not really tried. They have taken a baby step and then thrown their hands up in surrender. Oh well, we have our children to do it for us! It makes me SICK.
This whole buying a house thing, I just don't understand. I don't. When B. and I first started going out, the first mother's day that passed (or it might have been his mom's birthday), he emptied out his bank account and gave them all his money so they could buy a house. But his mother asks him to buy him a house, and of course, without any hesitation, B. says of course he will. I am glad he loves his mother, it is way better than him hating her, but is there a limit to being a Momma's Boy? And I feel like I'm being dragged into this, because if we are together in the future, then this will definitely affect my life, will it not? If a couple buys a house for someone else, I think that is going to be a big thing. From the financial aspect, this is going to cost quite a lot, it's not like B. has been saving up for buying a house or anything, his money goes toward paying bills and materialistic things, so whatever money he makes, is not there in a couple months. B. does not live frugally either. I'm sure he could if he wanted to, but as of now, he doesn't. So, the money I make in the future will also go toward this house for his parents. And I am extremely pissed, because the money I plan to make it for my future, for my childrens future, for my husband's future, and now it is going to go to this house that I do not even want to live in.
B. said that I don't have to put any of my money into this house, but does it really matter in the end. If we do marry, isn't the money in the same pot? The money he spends on this house, is less money for the future of not just ourselves, but our children.
Thinking way ahead am I? I do that a lot, but does that seem like the inevitable path to you? Because that sure seems like the inevitable path to me.
I guess I have it lucky. At least I'm not married to him or we don't have any children. We could just end this, stop all this, and it could be a clean break. No messy divorce to deal with, no kids to worry about being traumatized.
I'm sorry, but I can't do it. I'm miserable, but I can't do it.
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